The pink whale

The latest update is focused around my schooling life and my continued attempt to adapt to my new found career - well all be it on a temporary basis!!! I'm sure the UK education system would not allow Miss Linington the opportunity to educate the students in the UK. Dear old India is that desperate!!!

There have been a flurry of events within the school diary which has  kept me out of mischief or better still has enabled me to create it! 

First in time, was the celebration of Independence Day on the August 15th which was incredible to be a part of. The day started with great anticipation and excitement but this was partly down to the fact that Naomi and I had subjected ourselves to the humiliation of wearing a saree. Frankly speaking I looked like a pink whale walking around the school but the students and fellow teachers very much approved and appreciated the gesture. I had no idea how hot a saree can be and at times it was a little uncomfortable in the soaring heat but nothing could compare to the agony of trying to spend a penny dressed in such garb, especially in their customary squat bogs! So much to consider, like the metres of material (or so it felt) to gather up without accidentally dunking it in the "hole", whilst trying to maintain my balance in a squat position that was reminiscent of a hunched old drunk about to topple over and of course trying to aiming for the jackpot. Women are considered to be the best at multitasking - this is most certainly a worthy example. 

An assembly was held at the front of the school where all students lined up ceremoniously to hear the words of wisdom from the patriotic Principal and thereafter to stand to "attention" to salute the Indian flag. India does "pomp" well but not in my view as spectacular as us Brits. The sun was as intense as the atmosphere and unfortunately it was too much for 3 or 4 students who simply keeled over in the heat. One student unintentionally took refuge on the pink whale as I was thrust forward by their body weight but fortunately I regained balance before looking like a complete tit. 

Due to the sun we all gravitated to the auditorium which is no more than a dust pit furnace! There I was invited to say a few words to mark an occasion fraught with controversy over the once claimed "British India". For a speech that could have gone disastrously wrong, given the amount of blunders I make here on a regular basis, it passed without incident and I am still here to tell the tale. The students and teachers alike enjoyed particular reference to my Grandpa's time here in India, having served with the British Army between 1943 - 1945 and during which time completed various projects. Given that Independence Day was some 6 days after Grandpa's 95th birthday, his fame reached South India and a loud cheer was given from approximately 700 people at Apex Public School.

Two days later marked the first "parent and teacher interaction" session of the academic year. I was supported by two other members of staff who were able to act as a translator for myself and parents, however it wasn't the most comfortable of experiences during my time here. On a daily basis it is a near on impossible task trying to remember the names of approximately 60 students (that is just one year group!) but when we are talking about Ajas, Neha, Nihala, Afnaz, Nijam as opposed to Stephen, Katie, Elizabeth, Tom, I cannot remember for toffee. This was fairly evident when I was asked to comment on the progress of one student and was banging on about how obedient he was, showed great potential and was a fast learner only to be met with utter bewilderment when the mother confirmed she only had the one daughter! Disaster had struck but there was at least a wry smile from the parent and once she was satisfied I was talking about her child, there were several wobbles of the head so I think she may have forgiven me in the end!

Since my last blog entry, I have once again been on my travels around this vast country. The same kind parent who took me to Manjeri Magistrates Court indulged both Naomi and I on a two day trip to Mysore. Amazingly we drove nine hours and only reached the neighbouring state of Karnataka and yet, nine hours from Portsmouth would see you comfortably near the top of the British Isles! Madness I say! The poor condition of the roads and standards of driving undoubtedly prolongs the agony of travelling on the road particularly when there were 2 small cars (the size of a ford fiesta!) carrying 11 passengers during our brief visit! The potholes are not so much potholes but trenches and cars almost appear to tip over with the difference in road levels. It is no wonder that two weeks prior to our trip, a young Indian girl threw up all over Naomi's feet on a crazy bus journey, where we had no less than seven close encounters with near death.  Of course, being just as fortunate as Naomi, I received the splash back effect all up my trousers which looked remarkably like our school lunch - a yellowy vegetable curry accompanied with rice! Delicious! 

Moving swiftly on to more pleasant topics, Mysore was absolutely fantastic. The city oozes history and in particular hosts the Palace which is quite simply stunning. Taking 101 years to build, it is an incredible work of art and this is just one of the many amazing things about India. We were able to visit a beautiful Hindu Temple surrounded in peace and tranquility, only to be rudely interrupted by monkeys who sat outside waiting for poor unsuspecting visitors! One of our group members was approached by a monkey who stole both bottles of 7up and fanta. There was no mistaking the perpetrator as the said monkey was boasting a rather dashing orange moustache similar to the look of too much red wine!!!! 

Indian hospitality was once again extended to Naomi and I after we were invited to another school for a "function". This was through a friend of a friend of a friend which is most definitely typically Indian! Word has got round that there are two English teachers in the area and we have had no end of offers to give talks and seminars to neighbouring schools and colleges! This school is in my view superior to Apex in that the facilities are more extensive, for example there are indoor sports halls, air conditioned classrooms, overhead projectors and a lick of paint has been applied everywhere. Unfortunately Apex cannot boast such comfortable surroundings! Certainly no magnolia has seen the light of day here, blackboards are order of the day and some newer classrooms have not yet been given the privilege of a fan! The fees at the visiting day school are approximately 45,000 rupees per year which is approximately £450, contrast that to Apex where fees are pitched at around 18,000 rupees - around £180! 

We were treated like royalty being collected from the house, taken for a delicious lunch and welcomed personally by the Principal and his vice. As we arrived in the auditorium where the whole school of approximately 500  students had congregated, we were met with warmth but the inevitable staring! Immediately we were presented with a small posy of flowers from a couple of very young students who had to be almost pushed on to the stage. (My experience so far has been that Indian people will either go to great lengths to meet you and in some cases invade your personal space or alternatively stare at you with such disgust that the Pompey stare seems entirely meaningless now.)

We were then invited to give a brief introduction on our background and thereafter a question and answer session began. It was quite a strange feeling knowing that there were roughly 500 children sitting there genuinely interested about our English lives and yet I felt like a celebrity being asked  

"what's my favourite food" or a more challenging question posed was "why did I choose to become a criminal lawyer?" 

A short while later, a prize giving ceremony took place for those students who had recently participated in a drama and arts festival. My highlight of the day was undoubtedly being asked to hand out those trophies. This to me was a great honour. At the end of the prize giving ceremony, to our great surprise, we were each presented with a painting by the arts co-ordinator himself and a small trophy also. Once again a great deal of effort and thought had gone into making it a very special day. For only about the fifth time in my life I was absolutely speechless! It was an experience that I will remember with great fondness, given the kindness shown by such a caring school and most definitely reminded me of my Ditcham Park days. 

I have now been away for 4 months and am halfway through my "Indian madness" sabbatical. It really is daily madness and it has become a running joke with students, colleagues and the family that everything is Indian madness. They are quick to tell me its Lucy madness but I strongly refute that suggestion. One thing I would say is that I am beginning to lose the ability to identify what is normality and what is simply India. That said, earlier this week when out for a walk, I actually became paralysed with fear and it wasn't because I had just seen a spider, but far worse. As I walked on the roadside, I was aware of an oncoming vehicle which could quite possibly have aroused suspicions of kerb crawling, however, to my horror, the driver was an 8 year old student of the school. Of course I was not worried because there was a responsible father supervising and there were only 5 young children in the back without a seat belt so no need to be alarmed!!!!!!!!! So only 7 months until Bella will be on the roads then!

Although it was shocking to see, it didn't take long for me to erupt into a fit of the Linington giggles - as the Indians say "What to do?"

This week continued on in the same vain with the celebration of "Teachers Day" on Thursday 5th September. I was given a very sweet card from a deluded student who thanked me for setting him on the right path in life - as far 

as I was aware I was only teaching him English twice a week? Students brought in sweets, chocolates and cakes which were handed round to us all.  The school "treated" all teachers to beef biriyani in the delightful surroundings of a cat infested (literally) canteen. It was fun to be able to share a meal with my friends (not considered to be my colleagues) as they mostly bring their own food to school, quite sensibly. The beef is actually buffalo but isn't fit for human consumption. The chunks of a fatty, tasteless meat are given to us several times a week. I am sad to say that I am living an almost vegetarian existence because I cannot simply stomach meat that is more appropriately found in a can of Whiskers! How I yearn a rare beef sandwich with lashings of horseradish on granary bread! 

The afternoon was highly amusing as students put on programmes for all teachers. These were, in effect, party games for 7 year olds! There was musical chairs, running races and popping balloons but to name a few! I gather my face was a picture when events unfolded and women of 40 plus were running around a circle of chairs, fighting furiously for victory! 

Do you understand now why I continue to describe the events of my daily life as Indian madness?! I'm sure that some reading these blogs think I have the most vivid imagination but I can assure you these incidents really do happen although fortunately no one was harmed in the making!

My final update for you is the hairdressing debacle which hit an all time low last weekend! As the roots and general state of my hair began to look like those delightful specimens off the Jeremy Kyle show, I thought positive action must be taken. Taking life into my own hands I visited another salon which looked pretty respectable. After a brief consultation I was advised that there was only one shade of blonde that would be suitable against my existing colour! So after using a modern technique of applying foils I was somewhat encouraged. An hour later I had turned into Garfield the cat with chunks, not streaks as previously discussed, of bright orange rampaging through my hair. 

I completely spat the dummy and immediately another solution was then reapplied to the worse affected areas! This then generated yet another colour of brown so currently I have three delightful colours flowing through my hair - custard yellow (fortunately the gingerness has subsided!) my natural brown and a sort of turd colour brown. I left in absolute disgust and fearful of the school's reaction, given that any change no matter how big or small is commented on "ma'am is wearing new earrings today?", dress, shoes etc. To my complete surprise the reaction has been entirely positive - I still fail to see how that can be the case but madness prevails and I will happily settle for that any day of the week!   (Photos have been prohibited at this time!)

How Jemma has her work cut out for her on January 3rd! (excuse the pun!)

So as always a roller coaster but I continue to be happy and healthy! Everyone should experience this weird, wacky and wonderful country at some stage in their lives!

Sending you all lots of love and hope you are well wherever this finds you

Luce (Ci Ci) xx

  

  

Happy holidays!

I have just returned from a six day "vacation" which was given to mark the end of the Muslim holy month of Ramzan.  Although six days were reserved for this particular holiday (starting on 6th August), it was unknown at the beginning of the week when Ramzan would officially end. The appearance of the moon (as per the Arabic calendar) on the evening of Thursday 8th August determined the end of Ramzan and symbolised the start of EID. This festival is celebrated by Muslims around the world and here in India it is no different. The custom is for everyone to wear new dresses, visit friends and family and enjoy fruits, meats and sweet delicacies. 

Given that the school management is predominantly Muslim orientated, this was a significant "vacation".  It will come as no surprise to you that the highest percentage (perhaps as much as 80%) of students are Muslims with Hindus and Christians making up the balance. Interestingly enough, the majority of staff members are Hindus with some Muslims and only two Christian teachers that I know of. 

 It was this week that I decided to embark on a tour of North India and on 6th August I flew to India's capital city, Delhi. My holiday very nearly didn't "take off" quite literally due to my own stupidity! As I sat patiently in the departure lounge having experienced a very easy check in process, I decided to enjoy some tunes on the old iPod. The problem was as I was having my own little disco, I had switched off from all public announcements. What I will say is that I did check the screens repeatedly and there was no mention of boarding but I keep forgetting this is India and no one method can be relied upon. The fortunate part of the story was that being the only "white monkey" in the departure lounge made it easy for the airline representative to identify me. He was  understandably displeased with me but in an attempt to make amends, I tried the Indian approach of smiling (a lot) and wobbling the head. This only resulted in me almost cricking my neck so I cut my losses and briskly walked away! C'est la vie!

Since my arrival in India there has been erratic and for the most part very poor displays of driving, incessant hooting and an frenetic energy that at times has been all too consuming. That is Kerala. North India is a whole new ball game. 

In Delhi there was a distinct difference in the levels of poverty where it was quite common to find families and individuals "living" in a bus stop, on street corners, under motorways or better still within the central reservations of main roads. Despite being briefed about this by various people who have sampled India, you cannot simply comprehend it until you see it for yourself. However the most shocking experience that will stay with me for many years to come was a female beggar who approached me with her head down. As she lifted her head I immediately froze as I caught glimpse of her horribly deformed face. She was the victim of an acid attack of which there has been such an epidemic over the last few years, there is now a restriction on how much acid can be purchased at any one time. It was truly horrific to see the sheer devastation it had caused. Most of her facial skin had disintegrated and her face, although completely ruined, was left in a permanent state of distress due to the toxic effects of the acid. Her arms had been disfigured to such an extent that she could no way function normally and yet she was in a situation where she was entirely reliant on handouts from people, who were like me, were categorically told not to give anything! It was truly horrendous on every level!

One of the most recurring and rather unfortunate sights during my visit to North India was the number of times I saw men having a waz on the side of a road, in a bush or simply in the street. I don't know if bladder weakness is a serious health issue in North India but I can honestly say that it was so frequent, perhaps every half mile or so, that I almost resorted to lobbing my trusted antibacterial hand gel out of the car window at them!!

Delhi provided the historical insight and with that also masses of chaos! However having a driver and a guide is money well spent here in India because the stress of navigating yourself around places with driving standards that don't feature anywhere near that of a reasonable person should not be a concern. I observed a motorcyclist enjoying a day out, riding along with 6 members of his family on the back! Just another day in paradise!

The day in Delhi was spent visiting a famous Mosque where approximately 85,000 worshippers visit on a daily basis to speak to the man upstairs. Thereafter I was taken to a Hindu Temple which was much more gentile and decorative! It was during this particular visit that I saw the swaztika displayed freely throughout and immediately felt a great deal of concern. Fortunately, it was not for too long as I was reliably informed they are infact a symbol of happiness! I never thought the mark of such a despicable organisation could represent the positive and happy outlook on life adopted by Hindus, many of whom display such symbols on the outside of their houses. 

I also had the pleasure of visiting the famous Sikh Temple in the heart of Delhi. All day long they feed thousands of people who have the misfortune to be homeless or otherwise attend to receive a blessing via a meal. The preparation that goes into the meals which are available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week is phenomenal and entirely reliant on kind souls that simply donate their time. It was an extremely humbling experience and once again demonstrated the generosity and kindness that pulsates throughout the Indian culture. 

What struck me in parts of the city were the desolate conditions people were living in. They were surrounded by mounds of rubbish, filth and generally speaking it appeared to be a very dark existence, yet 50 metres down the road was a small Hindu shrine painted in a beautiful bright fuchsia pink. More time and effort had been given to a space smaller than a telephone box, than streets laden with poverty and desperation. In some respects one can understand why those rely on religion because it must become a crutch for hope and survival.

The following day was spent travelling approximately 3 hours on to Agra, the location of the incredible Taj Mahal. Besides the Taj Mahal and the Agra Fort, not much occupies the area however I did spot a Costa coffee shop. It was one of those hallelujah moments! Sadly there was torrential rain and a spectacular thunderstorm during my visit but this did not dampen my spirits. It was quite simply breathtaking, a perfectly symmetrical monument made entirely of white marble with magnificent detail. It was built in the 16th Century where  it took 20,000 men to carry out the task and 20 years to complete. In my opinion, the finished product is quite simply outstanding and is more than worthy of the title as one of the seven wonders of the world.  

Once again I was on the move, 24 hours later and after a 5 hour car journey I was in Jaipur, the "Pink City". It says a lot about my time here that I no longer consider it strange to see cows simply sitting in the road however I was surprised to see monkeys darting on house rooves, elephants and camels going for an afternoon stroll, pigs with their piglets snorting loudly to avoid being splattered by the auto rickshaws and donkeys just stood around looking gormless as ever! At times it felt as though the local zoo had been burgled! 

Jaipur is well known for its colour and vibrancy and I certainly enjoyed some of the buildings and Temples adorned in pink and terracotta. My guide was very helpful and accommodating in taking me shopping, despite being a bloke. I  was very amused to learn during my tour that whilst the English tourists are well known for buying scarves and jewellery, the Japanese are especially fond of Kama Sutra books. In light of this discovery, Jaipur is no longer known to me as the Pink City but "Fifty shades of Pink".  I called into the City Palace only to find the King of India was out so it was somewhat disappointing not to be offered some regal hospitality but a nosey around was good enough!

As you can tell from the content of this latest blog, there was never a dull moment and I have now returned to the cut and thrust of school life here in Kerala! 

This week is particularly exciting as Thursday marks the 67th year of India's Independence from our wonderful Country.  Rather worryingly for all concerned, I have been asked to deliver a speech to the whole school (in excess of 700!) on this topic! Not one to be controversial but what a challenge this presents especially given the difference in views between my temporary home and my true nationality. The aim being, not to be deported by Thursday afternoon!  

Wish me luck and for those of a religious disposition have a quiet word - this could be a disastrous experience for all!

As always, I send my love and miss you all lots

Luce  (Ci Ci) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

With love from the "White monkey"

As always there is a hive of activity which generates more peculiarity but definitely just as much  laughter too! The day I stop laughing is the day I call it a day but hopefully that won't happen. 

India certainly is a work in progress! I don't think I will stop being surprised or amused for the duration of my time here and the differences in Western culture versus India continue to be magnified! The experience at the hairdressers for example is a memory that will in some respects haunt me for sometime to come but does create some amusement also. Given that my barnet was rapidly turning into the afro style of Whoopi Goldberg with nasty rats tails I decided that something had to be done. I found what looked to be a reputable salon with products in the window that I had comfortably heard of. However a major clue in assessing the suitability of this shop was its location, in that it was situated underneath a multi-storey car park!  I should of walked away at that point but being rather desperate and despairing I engaged their services. It was a decision I began to regret very quickly after being shown into the small cubicle where my haircut would take place! As you can imagine there was no communication due to the language barrier above and beyond pointing at a cut and blow dry! As I sat in the chair I was somewhat surprised as the lid was lifted from the counter in front and my head was thrust into the basin. I gathered pretty quickly that I was then having a hair wash but frankly it felt more like the "water boarding" punishment as water attacked me from every angle and was ice cold! As I pleaded for warm water and to catch my breath, my head was shoved further into the basin. When this tortuous process ended I looked as though I had just won the wet t- shirt competition which here in Kerala is just so uncool and totally unacceptable! 

By this stage I was left wondering what colour my hair would turn out as the product used was a bright green liquid. I rapidly discounted the option of washing up liquid as they simply don't use that here - just ordinary tap water or in some cases rainwater from the rooftop is used to wash up pots and pans - no joke! I am pleased to confirm that I retained my original hair colour but the actual cutting of my hair was simply bizarre. As I watched from the side view of the mirror I could see that the hair cutter (not hairdresser!) had simply taken a few strands of hair at the bottom and cut across in sort of a straight  line. This  procedure was followed until he had removed an inch and a half but the length has now adopted a rather peculiar shape - similar to the 'bowl head' effect. I think I am pleased that my hair is now tidier but slightly concerned that I will need at least one more haircut before my return to civilisation! Definitely need to look out for other alternative salons or punishment parlours!! Incidentally that experience cost me a staggering £3.20 so one has to be mindful of the expression "You get what you pay for !"

My living arrangements remain the same and I am still resident with the Principal and his family. They have almost completed their holy month of fasting (Ramzan) where no food or drink passes their lips from 0450 until 1850. In order to mark the breaking of their fast at 1850, parties called "Ifthar" are held amongst family and friends where the most delicious foods are consumed. The Principal held an Ifthar party a couple of weeks ago which we we were able to enjoy. Sadly there was no grog to wash down the culinary delights but I don't think they would of appreciated the suggestion given that their religion dictates that they cannot even smell the stuff, let alone taste! No chance of converting for me then! Could of polished off a couple of cold beers that night I have to say! 

Given the length of time without the food, they are unable to dive straight into eating mountains of curry but commence proceedings by eating dates, fresh fruits such as pineapple, melon and mango, vegetable and meat samosas and salad. Their salad consists strictly of cucumber and tomatoes and then there was fresh coconut juice which is simply scrumptious. Being the ignorant fool that I am, thought that was the extent of their feast so filled my face with tons of fruits, samosas and gallons of coconut juice only to find there was round 2! The second part being the production of chicken, mutton and buffalo with rice based pancakes (they call it beef but doesn't taste anywhere as good as our home grown stuff!) Oh how I yearn for a rare roast beef sandwich! Given that the Indians don't take no for answer and after trying to politely refuse, under some duress (perhaps a bit strong!)  I ate absurd amounts of food that night. I must of weighed as much as a buffalo afterwards! I was walking up and down the Principal's drive rubbing my stomach, probably looking 8 and a half months pregnant trying desperately not to let rip "Tara" style burps! So attractive! 

As you can tell there is never a dull moment and with each new day,  I find myself experiencing on some occasions situations of sheer madness. It was a couple of days later that the family disappeared (literally) to a family member's home to 'break their fast' and as we came down after an early evening nap we were surprised to see the house like a ghost town. Thinking the best option was to go and see the students across the way, I became very distressed when I realised that the house had been locked up. The front door was locked from the outside and there was a bolt fixed across the back door which is made out of almost bomb proof metal . At this point panic and hysteria set in and the air turned a dark purple. It may appear absolutely ridiculous especially given the job that I do, but I am massively claustrophobic and cannot cope with the idea of being locked in without an escape! After using brute force and blind panic, we managed to break out of the back door which  looked a little disfigured as a result. I had totally lost my sense of humour by this time and frankly needed a stiff drink to take the edge off a tense few minutes. I thought getting some air might be a good solution so took a short walk to school only to narrowly avoid being mowed down by a crazy ass Indian driver. There is absolutely no street lighting or pavements in these parts and so with the use of a torch, it is generally safe to navigate the roads without incident. However it was with that torch that I caught glimpse of a car approaching and the same vehicle had absolutely no lights on at all whilst travelling at some speed. Fortunately at last minute, we were able to jump out of the path of the car but it was a little hairy! In true Pompey style I gave him a load of lip but with little impact as it was lost in translation! Perhaps that was no bad thing on reflection!

This was certainly the case last week when I arrived at the Drs suffering with a temperature and throat pain. I removed my shoes as is the requirement here and questioned whether I had stepped foot in a place of worship instead of a medical clinic! An efficient system where I was seen within 20 minutes of simply turning up but as to what the Dr said and the diagnosis given, well, I am still flummoxed to this day! There is no doubt that he is deserving of the title of Dr as I am once again fighting fit but I must say I was mightily relieved to see that no Fischer Price doctors kits were being used! As you can see from the photo there are no prescriptions to be collected from a pharmacy or printed labels provided but simply small brown bags with the time of day in which the medicine is to be taken. I find it absolutely baffling that this is considered an acceptable practice but this is India after all!!!! You may be thinking what was the cost for such a privilege, well an unbelievable £2 which included the consultation and the medicines also! As I find myself saying several times a day "Indian madness!"

In an attempt to walk off some of the kilos of rice I am consuming on a weekly basis, the last four Sundays have been spent walking approximately 5 miles to the nearest town and its on this journey that I hear  "Lucy Ma'am" being shouted from the various houses I pass. I have numerous offers to go to students' houses on each occasion and if I accepted all offers of hospitality I wouldn't be able to venture too far. Yesterday we were also been stopped twice in order to pose for photos by intrigued locals who greeted us with such amazement but also great enthusiasm. This is a step up from the usual where curious locals just pull over next to where we are walking ask us our names, country and suitably drive away! It really is very amusing! On Friday night I went for a walk after school, only to be stopped by a random shopkeeper who simply invited me to his home. Their sincerity and kindness is so typical of this country's approach or perhaps just the people of Kerala. The jury is still out on that one! 

About a fortnight ago I met one of my student's parents in the local town. Sudha insisted that we go to her house at that exact moment and so we jumped into her auto rickshaw. She ushered us into her home where we were given tea, a sweet snack and fresh mango all prepared by her servant! Using this term seems so antiquated but that is the reality here. She proudly showed us her wedding album of 21 years ago which was particularly interesting given their Hindu beliefs! We were shown the Hindu customs of lighting the various candles throughout the house and also their dedicated room of prayer. Hinduism is particularly fascinating because there are over 16,000 Gods they can pray to. Hindu mythology is a bit like a scene out of Coronation Street where different characters are going off with their brother's wife or having triplets with the neighbour - hugely complicated and convoluted but somewhat interesting! Since our first meeting where we discovered our mutual career in the law, Sudha has taken me to her local Court where she practises as lawyer in family, civil and criminal matters. It seems rather ironic that on that day that we visited Court, she was going to represent a client who was the victim of some horrific road traffic accident and yet in her rather blasé approach, drifted across a main intersection whilst running a red light. Not for the first time during the same journey, did I mutter rather loudly perhaps a slightly rude word but as luck would have it for the whole 45 minutes (more luck than judgement), we arrived without injury! I am living testament that miracles do happen! The day itself was an amazing experience - advocates wore gowns and tabs and there was a real sense of respect shown amongst the Courts and its users. I observed part of trial in the Magistrates Court but was disappointed not to see any legal argument, not that I normally take such an interest but this is the only part of the process here that is conducted in English. The remaining parts such as opening and closing speeches, examination in chief and cross examination are all conducted in their mother tongue of Malayalam! However you won't be surprised to hear that there is no air conditioning, secure docks or video links but the Court buildings were a legacy left by the Brits before India gained independence on 15th August 1947. The public gallery at the Magistrates Court consisted of people simply peering in from the outside through the metal bars, also classed as Indian windows! Magic!

To add to the last couple of wacky weeks, I have acquired a few new nicknames. I am no longer Luce, Linners or Ci Ci but infact the "white monkey", " Kushumbi"and "Crazy Gopaln". The endearing term of white monkey   originates from the hostel warden who adapted the name I gave her two young monkeys (children) just for me! It generated the Indians great amusement and I think it's an affectionate term but perhaps they have just got the measure of me. One of the teachers who has the pleasure of sitting next to me in the staff room and who I consider to be a good friend here has decided to call me "Kushumby" which is Mayalam for naughty! "Crazy Gopaln"I understand just means crazy fool so I'm not doing too well on the whole character assessment so far! 

Well my next blog will be written from North India where I am due to visit Delhi, Agra and Jaipur, otherwise known as the "Golden Triangle"! 

Hope you are all well wherever this finds you and sending you all lots of love

White monkey

Xxxxxxx

Flatulence, fluffy towels & Fort Kochin

Since my last entry, I have enjoyed a sightseeing adventure which finally felt like I was actually on holiday. Naomi (the other volunteer teacher) and I ventured to Kochin which is within the state of Kerala. We abandoned our teaching duties on Friday lunchtime and headed South to Kochin by car. As per the norm here, we had a driver for the weekend which in my view is the only way to travel (and safely too!) in this country. Having experienced and witnessed driving standards that frankly would result in multiple prosecutions for 'driving without due care and attention' and 'dangerous driving', I was somewhat concerned about the long journey ahead. It was wasted energy because our wonderful driver Abeesh drove so beautifully that those lunatics of which there are many didn't register on my radar at all!

On the way to Kochin and some three hours from the school, we visited an elephant sanctuary in Thissur which cost a staggering 5 rupees to gain entry and a further 25 rupees for the privilege of taking a camera in. That amounts to approximately 25p! There were at least 30 elephants to observe from and the highlight was being given the opportunity to stroke a female elephant called Tara. I must confess that I was a little apprehensive in approaching her and faced with the prospect that she could react badly to my being stood next to her, I was somewhat surprised but largely amused by the biggest burp she let rip. The noise was similar to that of a walrus mating call but fortunately, given my close proximity, it was odourless. I was mightily relieved, otherwise it could have been a very nasty gassing indeed. For a split second I thought I was in Bridget Dassow's company after consuming a can of diet coke! Class!

On leaving Thissur, we endured a further two and a half hours in the car before reaching Willingdon Island, home to the Indian Navy and a relatively short distance from Kochin itself.  We stayed in a positively luxurious hotel compared to my current living arrangements. There was hot water, fluffy towels, a television, a comfortable bed, beer let alone it being cold and varied foods other than curry and rice!!!!! I can confirm that I have not seen or experienced such treats for 9 weeks so it was simply amazing to once again sample such delights! How life becomes so simplistic here and yet back in the UK those items listed above are almost considered essential in the day to day living standards of the Western world!

Saturday was a day spent in paradise aboard a houseboat cruising the Backwaters. We joined the boat in Alleppey late morning and spent the rest of the day and night on board being thoroughly spoilt. A houseboat to ourselves in glorious sunshine, which is a treat during the monsoon season and being waited on hand and foot, life was a struggle. Lunch was a delicious mix of fresh fish and vegetables until the pud was presented. Their famous rice noodle soup arrived on the table and consisted of a grey coloured gloopy liquid similar in appearance to that of paper mache, with what can only be described as bits of spaghetti floating around, sugar, oh and the occasional pistachio nut making a guest appearance! The taste, well frankly it was as disgusting and unappealing as described. In an attempt to discard the soup overboard and prevent any offence caused by leaving a full bowl, I managed to tip the entire contents onto my lap and my prized sunglasses slid off my head and sunk to the bottom of the muddy waters.  However when I asked if there was a net available, I was very surprised to see one of the crew members jump in and after several minutes, my sunnies miraculously reappeared! (God know how he was able to see anything) Most definitely Indian madness and kindness all at once!!!!

Sunday was slightly less eventful - a relatively short drive back to Kochin where a guided tour of the Chinese fishing nets, Fort Kochin, Jew Town and the Dutch Palace took place. Fascinating sights and once again we were extremely fortuitous with gorgeous weather. On the way back to Calicut, we were able to stop off at the LuLu Mall which is the biggest shopping mall in Asia. It didn't disappoint and with all the major brands available it was a much larger version of  Westfields in London. The rest of the day passed off without incident  - a couple of prangs and cars written off by suicidal drivers going about their daily business at 300 mph the wrong way, on the wrong side of the road and probably without a licence but that's the norm here, so nothing out of the ordinary to write home about!

We reached Calicut at around 8pm on Sunday evening a little weary but in great spirits. I feel extremely relaxed and refreshed and ready to kick the kids' asses once again.

Normality is once again upon us and Monday morning slapped me in the face like a big bowl of rice noodle soup. Suddenly immersed into present continuous and simple present tenses was not all that appealing but then being met by bus loads of children with beaming smiles and their charming broken English, how could I remain glum for too long?!!!

As I am writing this, the power has just given out much like the appearance of a lot of the Muslim students who are part way through Ramadan (Holy fasting month). No filling their faces from 0450 until 1850 including all liquids makes for very tired students, colleagues and the Principal and his family. Amazingly there are no short tempers or displays of petulance from food deprivation but perhaps a little less concentration than usual. Frankly they are entitled to be offline during this month and they are certainly a race to be admired! 

I was thrilled to learn of England's victorious performance against the Aussies! The students here are all supporting England so at last there is united front over cricket teams. I am occasionally teased for the ICC Champions Trophy defeat last month but I would still rather beat the Aussies in a test match over a game of pyjama cricket!

Nothing to report on the lavatorial front finally! The main objective during the week is not to get caught short at school but I have pretty much mastered the required fluid intake necessary to survive the day without having to impose myself on the squat bogs. 

Will be in touch again soon - much love to you all 

Luce (Ci Ci) xxx

 Chinese fishing nets - Kochin

Goodness Gracious Great "Bowels" of fire!

Evening All,

Hope you are well wherever this finds you.

So as the title of this particular entry suggests I finally fell foul of the backdoor trots after a rather unpleasant experience of having a blockage in the old drainpipe. The recurring theme of the last 7 days has most definitely centred around my lavatorial activities which have been either scarce in my attending or panicked runs to the bog!! To experience both extremes within 7 days has been quite extraordinary, pretty uncomfortable and frankly bizarre given that one doesn't associate India with the phrase "when you've gotta go, but your ass says no"! 

Despite these minor difficulties, I am continuing to thrive here at the Apex Public School. Sadly my reputation is based upon my disastrous attempt to speak what little Malayalam I could on that fateful day, but at least students know of me! I have not signed anymore autographs recently but the array of gifts I have so far received are as ever growing. I received a pair of earrings during the week along with yet more flowers to add to my existing spray. 

It hasn't been all about fake flowers and "Lucy Ma'am" as I recently endured a fairly tense encounter with the District Chief of Police, in order to register my visa at a police station, which was about an hour and a half away. What was meant to be a tick box exercise in registering the visa, which is a legal requirement, turned into heart stopping moment when I appeared before the big cheese Chief himself. For a few minutes after being fully interrogated as to the purpose of my stay and why had I chosen India I was told that I would be given the necessary paperwork to be allowed to leave India which only he can authorise. Without such paperwork, I am stranded here and I could also incur a hefty fine for the privilege. Fingers crossed for December! Appearing before the Chief unfortunately triggered the Linington giggles which has a habit of surfacing at the most inappropriate moments. Fortunately the Principal who accompanied me was able to do enough bowing and grovelling to convince him that Miss Linington would not be a suitable permanent fixture. The palpitations intensified at the exact moment when the Principal let slip that I was a lawyer and I thought I was going to be on a very sticky wicket explaining my role as a defence lawyer! My liberty was once again returned to me and I almost ran back to the car before he could change his mind!

As you can see from the photo, the peculiar and obscure foods continue to flow, and on this occasion I was given Jackfruit which was originally surrounded by a semi sweet crunchy exterior with some flesh inside. I ate rather tentatively but its end product has the unfortunate appearance of a Kangaroo penis off  "I'm a celebrity get me out of here!" and left me feeling pretty nauseous I have to say! I won't miss this particular inclusion of one of my five a days come the end!

Last weekend was a real adventure when I ventured into Calicut which is the nearest major city, approximately 30 km away on a bus! With hindsight I am quite glad that my mother has in her possession a copy of my will because I really thought that my the game was up during various points throughout the journey. If you can visualise a bus, (a photo of which is shown within this blog) overtaking at speed not just a car but also an auto rickshaw on a blind bend! It is somewhat surprising that there are not more Formula 1 drivers being discovered and nurtured from here because the dare devil factor is most definitely alive, just rather unfortunate that it happens to be fully demonstrates with 80 passengers on a bus that should clearly only accommodate 50! Combined with the erratic driving, the mood was jolly and colourful with music blaring out and a wide spectrum of colours flashing from the disco lights added for ambience perhaps?! For a 60p round trip it was a thrilling experience, not one I am that keen to repeat but having said that the hysteria and panic is really rather enchanting in many ways!

You have probably noticed a rather unfetching photograph of me dressed partially as an Indian bride, the students here who are boarding close by to the Principal's home thought it would be amusing to dress me up one night after school. I have to say the girls found it highly amusing but having what appears to me like a cowbell stuck across my forehead and a shawl that makes me look like a Jewish refugee, I was not that taken by my new look. Have no fear Gran, I won't be marrying anyone here in India dressed in that "get up"! No one would have me for a start!

Today signified the start of Ramzan which is a 30 day Islamic festival where all Muslims fast from approximately 0450 until 1850. Fortunately I am not expected to partake despite the fact that I am living with devout Muslims but the majority of students at school will be observing this Holy gesture. The timetable in school has been amended to reflect Ramzan and so lessons will be shorter to accommodate sluggish and tired students, understandably! Amazingly the students that board here at the school in actual fact sleep on mats in the library during this month because after supper they are engaged in prayers until 11pm. In the early hours of the morning they are then expected to wake up at 0400 to eat before the fast begins at 0450. The students are literally sleeping on mats and nothing else during this month which for some is the most important academic year of their school lives! Not only that but the parents pay for their children to be educated in this way! The school adopts a strict and disciplined approach and this emphasised in the Principal's stance on corporal punishment! Since I have been here, two male students have been shown the cane for displaying insubordination towards teachers, which I have to say sits rather uncomfortably with me. That said whilst I am a guest here in India I accept the massive cultural differences and actually manage to keep my mouth shut (surprisingly) on such topics. Not sure what I will do if I learn that one of the girls' behaviour gives rise to a beating but hopefully I won't have to consider this particular issue. 

Today has been a fun filled day as there was no school due to a strike across the whole of Kerala. Given that today was the start of Ramzan and knowing that the family would not be feeling too energetic I ventured out to the nearest local village with the other volunteer teacher Naomi. We walked 5 miles whilst managing to avoid cars, auto rickshaws, scooters and cows in search of the shops, only to discover everywhere was shut. The monsoon heavens opened and for a brief time, our day was looking very bleak, until we were approached by two middle aged men who kindly invited us into the nearest RC Church a short distance away. We were given immediate shelter along with tea, cake fruit and biscuits. As such kindness was shown by these two men we gave a small donation before being shown their Church and we eventually headed back to the Principal's home. 

This example does not just demonstrate the kindness shown by Christians but by the Indian people itself. This is so typically Indian and further help was given on our walk home when we once again saw the man from the Church who invited us back to meet his family. We politely declined and then with the help of some other men we were able to get an auto rickshaw in torrential rain back to the Principal's home. Without such help we would undoubtedly had to suffer a soaking wet long walk back. 

What I have already learnt from my two months here is that generosity and hospitality extends to everyone. Indians are warm hearted, caring and keen to please. They symbolise kindness and sincerity that simply cannot be found in abundance in the the UK. 

Safe to say that for the first time in eighteen months I feel content and happy in my life. Of course I miss dear friends and family but the simplicity of life here suits me and ironically I am much happier here in India than I ever was in London.

Sending you all lots of love 

Luce (CiCi) xxx